Some Odd Thoughts

.. I was thinking about how the status symbols of today are either
pagers or cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford
either one, so I'm wearing my TV's remote control.....

.. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people didn't like me anyway.

.. Wonder why no one has thought to put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans!

.. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still
have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

.. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh,
have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!
Sometimes a bathroom is just not enough..."

.. I thought about how American mothers feed their babies with cute,
little, tiny spoons and forks.... I wonder what Chinese mothers use.
Perhaps toothpicks?

.. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!

.. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they delivered the mail?

.. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for
their finals.


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True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to
have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was
in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall.
Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully
replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told
a wife that her
husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family
that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada



I was performing a complete physical,
including the
visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty
feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both,"
I requested. There
was silence. He
couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I
turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing
there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week
follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his
medications. Which one?"
I asked. The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a
new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with
a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete
confusion she answered .
Why, not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom
he was performing this
exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up
from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor,
but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name


These are too funny to be made up!!
They're a hoot...pass em along!!


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A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They
used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded so they moved to California and live in Palm Springs with a lot of other retarded
people. They live in condo-minimum and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tag s because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there,
but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out
bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.

When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren

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