Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The others are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch
to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs
sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
personal space used nothing but doggy sass.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there
and manage to get the door shut, don't paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open, as I must
exit through the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years,
and have determined that canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is, kiss me, then go smell the
other dogs butts. I cannot stress this enough.
It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non-pet owner visitors who do not
fully understand:

1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, he's a dog. To me, he's an adopted son
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids because:
they eat less,
don't ask for money all the time,
are easier to train,
usually come when called,
never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college,
if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups!!!

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you
until you are asleep...

Please pass this on to those who appreciate the
humor (truth) and to those who need to!!!