MY 11-year-old daughter was writing a report on Alaska. Part of her paper read, "In case of an attack by a bear, you should lie down on the ground and curl into a ball. This is known as the fatal position."

--Contributed to "Short Takes" by Rick Steinke

IN THE LAMAZE childbirth classes I teach, the first hour is a lecture. During the second hour, the couples get on the floor to practice breathing and relaxation techniques. The lecture one evening was "Sex During Pregnancy." When I finished presenting the material, I asked if there were any questions. After waiting a moment, I tried to proceed -- only to be interrupted when the class burst out laughing. It took me a few seconds to realize what I'd said: "Okay, if there are no questions about sex during pregnancy, let's get down on the floor and practice."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Nancy Romans

IN THE AIR FORCE, a policy called the Dedicated Crew Chief Program assigns maintenance personnel to specific aircraft to enhance relations with pilots. An F-15 fighter squadron was returning from overseas, and as a welcome-home surprise the wing commander included one pilot's wife -- dressed in fatigues -- in the maintenance crew. Unexpectedly, the air-division commander arrived to observe the welcome. As the pilots disembarked, the wife embraced her husband. "Colonel," the general said to the chagrined wing commander, "I think you're carrying this Dedicated Crew Chief Program a bit too far."

--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Richard Thomas


ON A FAMILY vacation in Texas, my brother-in-law Mike exhibited the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size.
"Wow," he exclaimed, "everything is bigger in Texas!"
As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300-pound waitress.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Kathy Lee


AN ATTORNEY I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Robert W. Cunningham

AS A NAVY HELICOPTER PILOT, I often made at-sea transfers to ships steaming alongside our carrier, the USS Intrepid. The wind's direction is important to copters hovering above receiving vessels. Since the ships normally steam in formation, it wasn't easy to get the duty officers on board to alter course to create favorable wind conditions. So I learned that the secret to getting agreeable movement was to announce, "We have mail aboard for you." The immediate response would be "Where would you like your wind?"
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Robert E. Allison